Where it all begins.

Today, a new year and a new beginning. I was sitting in church yesterday afternoon for the 3 o'clock New Years service. During praise and worship Gabe stops singing and says this, "think about where you were one year ago and where you are now." I'm clapping my hands to the music and start to feel the tears come. Who I was a year ago is so incredibly different than who I am today. Such a drastic change too.

See, I had plans last night to go to a New Years party. I had every intention of having a drink, not a lot because I'm in a covenant (which is another story), but a few probably. I was going to an 80's party with my good friend Megan and was very excited to bring in the new year surrounded by karaoke, 80's icons and plenty of fun. Then Gabe goes and asks a question like that. He always seems to bring some sort of clarity to me and I really am thankful for it. Even when it seems to make my world crumble for a minute.

Now lets get back to the service. As the tears start to tumble down my cheeks, I am sort of frozen for a moment. I think back to exactly a year ago. I can tell you what I was wearing. I can tell you what I was drinking. I can tell you what I was doing. Mind you, I have the worst time estimating time (because I'm a woman), but because this day is marked as a holiday it came a little easier. A year ago.....

New Years Eve party at a friends house, and it's a party. Kegs, live music, shots, and I brought the champagne. I'm also singing with the band so I was feeling pretty awesome that night. At the time I was dating the drummer but had past romance with the guitar player. Sounds like me. That was always an awkward situation (also another story for another time). I didn't let a little thing like a love triangle stop me from having a good time. We danced the night away, I sang my heart out, pretty sure I rapped my heart out too. The house is jumping, the party is a success, and I have two bottles of champagne. One for each hand. I am feeling on top of the world. So, there I am. There is the my image of myself a year ago as I'm sitting with my congregation.

A year ago, I was a shell. Ya, I know. A wee bit dramatic. I know the previous paragraph screams of a good time but I can't imagine myself as that person anymore. I am not defined by that anymore and it scared me. I literally saw two people when Gabe said that. The old me and the new me. I never thought I would make a change, or a difference. I have been so stubborn and proud. I was one of those, "perfect the way I am" snobs. Ya right! Perfect? Pffft. Please! How arrogant and incredibly selfish. God did not intend me to be perfect and so perfect I am not. I thought I was better than change? Better than self improvement? Better than growth? I'm genuinely shocked that I wasn't picked up by my ear by God and shaken violently.

Yesterday, I saw myself as a newer person. I am finding so much peace with that. I am not that girl who was socially motivated anymore. I was crying because I finally saw God in my life. I can see myself with him in me. I never knew that truth before. I was crying because imagining my life without that image of him in me is devastating. When I left service that afternoon I called and canceled my plans. I stayed in for the New Years by myself but not alone.